The Magic of Special Time

Mommy, Daddy, will you play with me?

Parents who are home with their children as well as parents who work may feel a sense of frustration when they hear that refrain. The at-home parents say, “I’m with you all day long!” The working parents say, “Not right now, we need to get in the car and go home/make and eat dinner/do homework/get ready for bed.” We share our children’s desire for that loving connection free from pressures and distractions, but there are uncontrollable obstacles, such as time or space, that prevent this connection from happening as much as we would like.

Some children have a strong need for attention and experience anxiety when they think they might not get enough. This anxiety can manifest itself in different ways: whining, fighting with siblings, and other forms of misbehavior. They succeed in getting attention, but it’s not usually positive attention. That behavior is too annoying to inspire warm fuzzies from us.

There is a magical little tool we have at our disposal that works wonders, and that is Special Time[1]. You may already feel that the time you spend with your child is special, and you’re probably right. Even the time spent driving in the car together or preparing dinner together can be special. But the kind of special time I’m talking about, that truly satisfies your child’s as well as your own need for quality time together, has a very specific formula that really works. It is positive, undivided attention for a limited amount of time in nondirective play, every day or practically every day. Here’s the beauty part: all that is needed is 10 minutes per day in order to be effective and satisfying.
Let’s look at each of these elements of special time, one at a time: positive attention; undivided attention; time-limited; nondirective play, and consistency. All of these elements create a situation that helps a child feel loved and appreciated just for who he is, and relieves his anxiety about not getting enough attention. As a result his behavior improves; you feel less irritation, and your relationship with your child becomes more playful, joyful, and loving. His self-esteem improves and so does yours. Once you see how easy it is, you will realize you can have special time daily and you will enjoy the benefits throughout the day and for years to come. Special time will be a cherished time for you and your child.

Positive Attention
As parents, it is our job to keep our children safe, to teach them right from wrong and to be independent. As a result, much of our interaction with our children consists of telling them what to do and correcting them. During the designated special time, however, there will be no teaching, correcting, competition, criticism, or reprimands. Instead you will simply play with your child, show you are listening, and notice all of her appropriate behaviors and actions. The more enthusiasm you show the more encouraged she will be to continue those appropriate behaviors. For example, “Look at all of those bright colors you’re using in your rainbow!”, or “You built a ramp for your cars to go down!” as well as an occasional “I’m really enjoying playing with you” and a hug are all forms of positive attention.
It helps if you enjoy the activities you are doing. Have ready three different activities and allow the child to choose from among those three. If you don’t enjoy playing with action figures or Barbie dolls, don’t include those toys in the choices even if they happen to be your child’s favorite toys. Your positive attention will be much more significant to the child than the specific toy. Some suggestions for activities that are noncompetitive and have no “right” or “wrong” way of doing them are Legos and other building toys, Mr. Potato Head, Play Doh, coloring or any art activity, cars and trucks, doll houses, or farm animals. If your child has a tendency towards aggression with friends, I suggest not including war or fighting toys. Special time is an excellent opportunity to encourage gentle play. It does not include reading books or watching TV together because you will not have the concentrated positive attention during that time. Story time, bath time or snack time can come before or after special time.

Undivided Attention
During special time, refrain from taking phone calls, going to the bathroom, talking to other family members, or anything else that would keep you from giving your child your complete attention. Your child will quickly learn that during special time, he will have you all to himself no matter what. He won’t have to share you with anyone or anything. You will need to enlist the cooperation of other family members, but since special time is only 10 minutes, this isn’t usually a problem. Pick a time of day when this undivided attention is mostly likely to be possible, such as when a spouse is home to take care of the other children, when younger children are already in bed, or early in the morning before others in the family are awake. If you have more than one young child in the family, you may need special time with each one separately. If there are two parents in the family, each parent can take turns with each child.

Time Limited
I suggest that you set a limit on the amount of time for special time and be consistent each day. If you allow the child to decide the amount of time it could go on all day! Ten minutes is enough time for her to feel satisfied yet not too much time to make it feel impossible to you. Also, it is difficult to sustain for a long time period the level of positive attention, listening and enthusiasm that is required. Special time will have a beginning and an end. You can remind your child of the upcoming special time throughout the day, ie: “Let’s save that for special time.” It is more effective to have special time consistently every day for a short time than to have a long special time only once a week. At the end of special time, say “Special time is over. Now it’s bath time/story time/snack time.” End with a hug and a positive comment, such as “I sure had fun playing with you!”

Nondirective Play
Nondirective play means that the child is in charge of the play, not the adult. You can choose three toys or activities, but the child gets to choose which one to play with and can play with the toys in whatever way he chooses. Avoid asking questions or making suggestions. Just follow along with the child, imitate him, reflect what he is saying, and be enthusiastic.
The only exceptions will be destructive play or hurting. If that happens, remove the toy and redirect your child to another toy. If he continues to be destructive, say, “Special time is over. Maybe tomorrow you will play more gently with the toys.” Then, in a non angry way, you can transition to bath time or story time.

PRIDE Skills
An easy way to give positive, undivided, nondirective attention is to use PRIDE:
Praise appropriate behavior. (“I like the way you’re sitting nicely in your chair.”)
Reflect appropriate talk. (Child: “I’m going to draw stars now.” Parent: “You’re putting stars in your picture.”)
Imitate appropriate play. (“I’m going to build a house with Legos just like you.”)
Describe appropriate behavior. (“You’re putting the blocks away before you take out the crayons.” “You’re making a pattern with the red blocks and the yellow blocks.”)
Enthusiasm. (“I’m really having fun playing with you!”)

This technique rewards the child for good behavior and creates a very positive interaction between the two of you, without you taking the lead in the play. At the same time, you will be ignoring behaviors that are undesirable. As soon as the undesirable behavior stops, return to the PRIDE skills.

Consistency
One of the most important aspects of special time is that children quickly learn they can count on it every day. If you only have special time four five days a week that’s OK as long as your child knows the pattern. It’s important not to use special time as leverage, ie: “If you don’t behave we won’t have special time tonight!” There can be other consequences for misbehavior, but special time is a given no matter what. You will be amazed at how quickly the child’s anxiety and resulting misbehaviors decrease as a result of that consistency.

Special time may not be the answer to every childhood problem, but it is almost magical the way such a short period of time can make such a huge difference in your child’s mood and behavior, as well as improving self-esteem.
[1] My approach to Special Time is based on Parent-Child Interaction Therapy developed by Toni Hembree-Kigin and Cheryl Bodiford McNeil, as well as the nondirective play used in the Primary Intervention Programs funded by the California Early Mental Health Initiative.

PERFECTIONISM: Helping Students Strike a Healthy Balance

Following are excerpts from an article published in the September/October 2007 issue of the School Counselor of the American School Counselor Association, Find the Balance, by Tamara E. Davis, Ed.D.

Encouraging students to do their best is one thing, but striving to be perfect can result in students buckling under the pressure and may lead to self-destructive behaviors such as eating disorders, substance abuse, or suicidal ideation.

Perfectionism can be a positive and motivating quality to possess. It facilitates hard work and perpetuates the desire to get something done and do it well. If we didn't strive for excellence at some point, then our lives would be a trail of unfinished business and mediocrity.

Since perfectionism is both good and bad, the best way to deal with it is to BALANCE:
B - Believe it is OK to be less-than-perfect. We can help alleviate the anxiety of imperfection by encouraging our students to find healthy outlets for their stress.

A - Accept when things go wrong. Things in life often do go wrong, and the gift is learning to accept it, learn from it and have the resilience to move forward despite it.

L - Lean how to reframe. In every situation, even bad ones, a positive lesson, idea or adage can be gleaned. Good things may come from what seems like failed circumstances.

A - Access support systems. Help your student identify a variety of support systems, including of course the school counselor.

N - Negotiate Emotions. In our society, expressing emotions is sometimes discouraged. Students need to learn it's normal to feel and that their feelings are valid. Help them find appropriate ways to channel emotions.

C - Challenge irrational expectations. Students often have unrealistic expectations of themselves and their abilities. For example, if a student is over scheduled, show them with a time chart that there really aren't enough hours in the day to do all those things.

E - Enjoy the journey. Often, students who are striving for perfection miss out on the joys of the journey along the way. In life, it is often the mundane or day-to-day things that provide the true gifts in our lives.

Some perfectionists do not overachieve and may actually underachieve, because their fear of failure is so great they would rather not try than to try and fail. Schools and parents can work together to ensure that students are not pressured to be perfect, but to be the best that they can be. In that way we can raise happy, well-adjusted contributors to the world.

HEALTHY PLAY

I teach guidance lessons in every classroom every other week. In recent weeks I have been teaching the Healthy Play curriculum to everyone in grades K-6. Healthy Play is a program developed by Charlie Steffens and Spencer Gorin of Creative Spirit, which promotes empathy and compassion for others. Through these games students achieve feelings of success and well-being while preventing bullying, intimidating or aggressive behaviors.

As stated in the book, Learning to Play, Playing to Learn (Steffens and Gorin), Healthy Play is based on the knowledge that:

1. Children like and want to play.
2. Play is the most natural form of learning.
3. Play incorporates all eight of the multiple intelligence styles of learning.
4. When play is practiced correctly, it is a positive emotional experience for all the participants.
5. Of all the learning concepts involved in Healthy Play, the most important one is the emphasis placed on the actual DOING of social skills/behaviors desired repetitively.